grey areas

it's hard losing yourself.
it's even harder realizing you never really knew who you were.

under or above

without really knowing how i got here, i find that i'm below waters. i've been here for a while so i know i've stopped looking for air. i've forgotten what it feels like to live above these waters, to place my feet on firm ground. and slowly, even this place looks like the real thing. except it's not.

i dream of what was my veritable life and sometimes, on days like today, i remember. i must keep searching.

square 1

it scares me to know that i've wasted and spent a lot of time/money/heart/resources without confirming and confiding in God first.

...

but He then reminds me that it's never too late. that He's still patient. that even though i may have taken the long route, He can navigate my ways to the end that He planned. so all i can really do is dream bigger. and to be wiser than before. and live purposefully. and really, just to love people.

one day, everything will be endless.